Rubbing one out, having a wank, flicking the bean… whatever you call masturbation, many of you are doing it.

Many of the clients I see report struggling with their solo sex practice. 

Masturbation - or solo sex - involves touching parts of your own body for sexual pleasure. It’s an incredibly common sexual behaviour that is free, accessible, and healthy. 

In fact, 78% of adults in the world are masturbating. And 57% of millennials are masturbating weekly, more than any other age group (TENGA, 2022). We’ve also seen a rise in solo sex practices, and sex toy use since the pandemic hit (Coombe et al., 2021).

Of those who masturbated, gay and bisexual people were 20% more likely to masturbate weekly than their heterosexual counterparts (TENGA, 2022). 

But it’s not just adults who enjoy solo sex. 91.1% of teenagers were masturbating, with young men doing it more than young women or gender diverse folk (Kauer et al., 2022).

Masturbation can happen at any age, and this is completely healthy and normal. 

There are many reasons why we should have solo sex. 

+ Is a form of safer sex - you can’t get pregnant or catch an STI

+ It allows you to get to know your body 

+ It can be done with others - called mutual masturbation 

+ Practising it can boost confidence and self-esteem 

Looking at this list, masturbation appears to have benefits some medications can offer, but it’s free! 

As a sex therapist, I always ask about masturbation behaviour in clients. This is because our relationship to our bodies, our pleasure and masturbation is important. 

I want to know how people engage with their pleasure because it often reflects how they engage with it in partnered sexual contexts too. 

This ‘rub one out’ mentality of masturbation is often paired with the use of pornography. 

My concern around this kind of engagement with masturbation is that people can become disconnected, or dissociated from their bodies. This might become habitual, and start to happen during partnered sex too. 

I also notice that many clients who masturbate in this way experience a lot of performance anxiety. 

They’re often preoccupied by their own sexual function, worrying about whether they’re hard enough, wet enough, or orgasming enough/at all.

The way you have sex with yourself can reflect how you engage with pleasure with other people. 

So instead of disconnecting and being preoccupied with sexual function, I invite people to consider reframing their experience as self-pleasure, and slowing things down. 

Self pleasure is different to masturbation in that it is not defined by ejaculation or orgasm, but by our curiosity to explore pleasure, and enjoy sensation whatever that looks like. 

Sure, an orgasm or ejaculation might happen, but your pleasure and satisfaction isn’t dependent on if it does.  

Masturbation = goal-oriented, which can enable performance anxiety.  Self-pleasure = pleasure-oriented, and reduces pressure for ‘performance’ to occur.

If you’d like to slow down your self-pleasure practice, I would encourage the following:

+ Expand your self-pleasure resources. Consider buying new toys, and using lubricants. Lubricants can be a great way to explore new sensation, especially with penetration. A water based lube is always recommended with silicone toys. You can also explore what it’s like to use different kinds of toys, whether that be vibrators, air suction technology, crystal, glass or metal wands.

+ Give yourself permission to take up time exploring. Set time aside to explore your body.

+ Consider Pleasure Mapping, an exercise you can learn more about here. 

+ Focus on all of your erogenous zones, not just your genitals. Notice what sensation feels good where.

+ Stay present in your body by checking in with your 5 senses. Notice the sights, sounds, touch, tastes or smells that build eroticism and arousal. 

Slowing down your pleasure practice can seem counter productive, or anxiety provoking for some. But really, it’s just about taking the time to be present in a body that has the ability to bring you pleasure, and appreciating that experience. 

We spend a lot of time in our heads; planning, thinking, processing, deliberating. So when you finally come into your body, whether that’s eating a meal, having a shower, or during solo sex, why not linger there? You may find that being embodied leads to more pleasure. 

There are so many benefits to solo sex, and self-pleasure. To broaden your satisfaction, consider slowing down your pleasure practice. This can help to reduce performance anxiety, and allow you to feel more embodied during solo sex. 

Coombe J,. et al. (2021). Love during lockdown: findings from an online survey examining the impact of COVID-19 on the sexual health of people living in Australia Sexually Transmitted Infections. 97:357-362.

Kauer S., et al. (2022). Victorian young people and sexual health 2018: findings from the 6th National Survey of Australian Secondary Students and Sexual Health. Australian Research Centre in Sex, Health and Society, La Trobe University; 131:136.

TENGA Self-Pleasure Report (2020). https://usstore.tenga.co/pages/globalreport


Sex therapist and Youtimer Aleksandra Trkulja encourages you to remove the goal from masturbation and slow down your solo sex practice to deepen your connection with self. 

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Do you know the answer? Have you felt caught out by the question during sex? 

According to many of my sex therapy clients, the panic associated with this question is due to:

+ Being unable to communicate their needs, 

+ Know what their needs are in the first place. 

I am here to empower you with the sex-education you need to better understand how your sexual pleasure system works, how to foster sexual arousal, and two exercises to try to explore what you like. 

FIRST, LET´S UNDERSTAND THE SEXUAL PLEASURE SYSTEM

According to Emily Nagoski, author of ‘Come As You Are’, sexual pleasure is comprised of three components. 

These include, enjoying, expecting, and eagerness. These functions dictate how we process sexual, stressful, and emotional contexts.

The enjoying system is similar to how we understand rewards. It’s the “hell yes!” or “hell no!” mechanism in the brain. 

The enjoyment system manages your experience of sexual sensations.

The expecting system is the process of linking what’s happening now, with what should come next. 

The eagerness system fuels our desire to move toward something or away from things. When eagerness is activated within a sexual context, we seek sexual stimulation. 

Grab a notepad and pen. Give yourself 10 minutes (or more) to reflect on a recent sexual interaction and answer the following. 

Note: By reflecting on this, we now have a basic structure of your preference. You’re allowed to feel neutral toward things too!

+ If I’m kissing (etc.) with someone, what am I expecting will happen next?

+ Am I clear on what to expect from my sexual partner during sex?

+ If not, can I clarify with them? Am I expecting a negative reaction?

Note: If you notice this section is filled with anxious thoughts, it’s an indication communication needs to be more explicit, and happen ahead of a sexual interaction. 

+ What makes me want to move toward/away this person/position/behaviour?

+ Do I feel eagerness to seek safety? (This is an indication we’re under stress.) 

Note: Eagerness cues will help us identify what fosters our desire to move toward. 

Remember, these three functions work together. For example, if you are expecting performance anxiety during sex, you’ll be less eager to put yourself in that situation, and enjoy it less. 

The enjoying system is responsible for managing your experience of sexual sensation. A key component of sexual arousal is the quality of sexual stimulation, or how much you’re enjoying whatever’s happening.

Emily Nagoski defines sexual arousal as the mental and physical excitement felt toward the idea of sex. Sexual arousal is also impacted by how well stressors have been managed, and the person’s capacity to relax into sexual pleasure. 

Not enjoying the sexual stimulation you’re experiencing can act as a stressor, making it difficult to relax into sexual pleasure. 

Touch is the most effective sense to engage for sexual arousal. Erogenous zones are areas of the body that you experience pleasurable sensation through touch. 

Primary erogenous zones are areas that contain a dense concentration of nerve endings, and are often more sensitive to touch compared to other body parts. This includes ares of the genitals, anus, perineum, nipples, neck, armpits, mouth, nostrils, navel, ears, and inner thighs.  

‘Secondary’ erogenous zones are areas of the body that have become erotically sensitive through learning and experience. This can be pretty much any other part of the body that isn’t a primary erogenous zone. If your partner strokes you gently across your upper back, and tenderly kisses you there during every sexual interaction, this could form into a secondary erogenous zone.

So far we’ve explored the sexual pleasure system, sexual arousal, and erogenous zones. Now let’s put it all together with an exercise I often assign clients called Pleasure Mapping.

Pleasure Mapping is a self-pleasure exercise to explore sexual needs, and allow you to communicate them with partners. 

+ Prepare. Set aside uninterrupted time (roughly 30 minutes). 


+ Collect resources. Include a mirror, a notebook and pen, any sex toys or objects you’d like to stimulate yourself with. This might include lubricants, lingerie, soft fabrics, sheets, moisturiser, essential oils etc. 


+ Build a sexual context. Seduce yourself the way you might a sexual partner. You can do this by establishing sexy contexts like; taking a bath, moisturising your body, listening to music, eating something special. 


+ Genital mapping. Use your mirror to explore your anatomy, and label each structure, and non-judgmentally describe it out aloud. 


+ Take notes! Note what feels good, and what doesn’t. You may also note any body image, or sexual function concerns.


+ Identify your primary erogenous zones. Explore your erogenous zones using your resources.


+ Pleasure map. Use a variety of pace, pressure, and rhythm on erogenous zones. Ask yourself the ‘enjoying questions’ listed above. Repeat this process for other areas of your body. 

+ If you feel comfortable, practice pleasure mapping with a partner to explore how your experience differs. 

You’ll notice that orgasm, lubrication, or ejaculation are not a priority in this exercise. And that is deliberate. Slowing down your pleasure with your self or others will allow the space away from goal-oriented sex, and toward maximising pleasure.

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Sex Therapist and Youtimer Aleksandra Trkulja takes the scary out of the sex conversation and talks us through learning what feels good for you. 

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