We're here for a good time. Sex Therapist Aleks Trkulja shares some fun new additions for your bedside table.
Certified Sex Therapist & Clinical Counsellor
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As your resident sex therapist, I have covered how to get the most out of your solo self pleasure sessions in depth. And I want to encourage you to review the pleasure essentials you use in partner play.
For most of you, those essentials will simply be your bodies, and some spit. Which is resourceful, sure; but it could be more hygienic and pleasurable.
What are pleasure essentials? Your pleasure essentials will be unique to you, your partner, and the pleasure you share together.
So to give you an idea, I’ll take you through my pleasure essentials.
Did you know that the natural vaginal secretions are not supposed to be adequate lubricant for penetrative sex?
This is because as a person with a vulva, discharge is influence by hormonal changes throughout the month, and can also be impacted by stress.
When you experience dryness, or trouble lubricating (this is very common!), are going through menopause, or have recently given birth; lubricant is a must.
I personally use lubricant with every form of penetration.
This is because the tissue of the labia is sensitive, and I want to keep it as protected as possible from tears or damage.
Honestly, lubricant is just part of my skincare routine now.
My go to lubricant is the FIGR Slip, which is silicone-based. This is an extra slippery lube, that is great if penetration is a regular part of your sexual repertoire.
You won’t need much of it, and it lasts.
If you want more friction, or to use toys, the FIGR Fluid is perfect. It’s water-based and absorbs a bit more.
Whatever you use to self pleasure, include it in partner play. And if that means toys, then bring all the toys!!
When I am engaging in partner play, I will always bring 2-4 toys. I usually lay them out ahead of time and talk people through why I like them, or how they can be used to facilitate mine, or mutual pleasure. Usually people enjoy hearing about how you can experience pleasure.
If anyone gets intimidated by you introducing toys, be inquisitive. What is it about toys that intimidate them? Observe how this issue has digressed away from your pleasure, toward their insecurity. You’re allowed to not go ahead if you feel like someone isn’t going to prioritise your pleasure.
The ‘Bend’ by Rosewell is a versatile toy that can be used in a variety of ways in partner play. You can straighten this toy out to use on someone else, or yourself externally. Or you can bend it and use it internally.
Overall, because this toy is versatile, you can explore using it in different ways with a partner on both of your bodies. Remember, toys aren’t just for genitals! You can stimulate erogenous zones too.
If you self-pleasure with an external toy, something like the LBDO Essensual Vibe is a great example of a toy you can use on yourself, or instruct someone to use on you. This toy can also fit into small places if you’re in different positions.
I want to normalise BYO-ing your sex toys to everything from a casual hookup, to sex with a long term partner.
We’re all out here trying to have a good, fun time, and one way to ensure that is to practice safer sex.
An essential to my pleasure, is knowing what we’ve put in place to keep us safe from unwanted pregnancy or STI’s. This is an absolute necessity to your sexual health.
So discuss the use of contraception, condoms, or dams ahead of a sexual interaction.
A dam is a barrier you create to prevent STI’s. You can make one from a condom by cutting it into a rectangle. You can then place the dam over body parts before putting your mouth or fingers there.
This might seem like it’s just for those having casual sex, but if you’re not on contraception in a long term relationship, this can be an essential.
I like to bring a body oil to partner play and incorporate it into the erotic experience.
My go-to is the Rosewell Sans Intimacy & Massage Oil, which gives people an excuse to sensually touch each other.
You can learn how people like to be touched by asking:
“How does this feel?”
“More pressure or less?”
“Where do you want to be touched, and how?”
These are some of my pleasure essentials for partner play, which ones do you also use? Need more of? Or are curious to integrate?
The best way to incorporate pleasure essentials with partners (whether it’s casual or long-term), is to communicate about it before hand. So grab your partners, and have a chat about your pleasure essentials.
Certified Sex Therapist & Clinical Counsellor