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Have 'Taboo' Kinks and Desires? How to Talk to Your Partner About It
Communicating your personal preferences in bed can make you feel nervous, embarrassed or fearful of rejection. Here is how to approach kinks and desires, and how to receive your lovers - without judgement.
Published: October 2022
Origin: Australia
Communicating taboo desires with sexual partners can be difficult, whether you’re in a long term relationship, or dating.
For many people, feeling embarrassed, nervous, or fearful of rejection prevents them from communicating at all.
Lucky for you, I’m a communication whore. So, in this article I will guide you through:
- + Some kinds of kinks
- + My 'Kink Kommunication' questions
- + How to engage with difficult thoughts and feelings
- + How to set up communication
But let’s start with some definitions.
Kink is anything that isn’t otherwise commonly occurring in mainstream sex.
It can be a behaviour, dynamic, or practice you’re sexually curious about. The introduction of which can enhance pleasure.
A fetish is an object or body part that is linked to someone’s sexual pleasure. For example, latex, feet, or leather.
These things become the focal point of sexual pleasure, opposed to kinks, which may not be positioned so centrally in someones sexual pleasure.
When we go to explore BDSM, kinky, or otherwise less common sexual practices; the first thing we need to do is identify exactly what we want to happen.
Have a think about the things you might like to explore, or be keen to happen.
Here’s a list of kinks and preferences that may not usually happen in mainstream sexual experiences.
+ Role Play
+ Bondage- rope, handcuffs
+ Using Sex toys
+ Spanking
+ Gags
+ Impact Play: whips, paddles
+ Breath play/choking
+ Dirty talk
+ Nipple play
+ Pee play
+ Degradation, name calling
+ Food play
+ Orgasm control
+ Voyeurism
+ Praise kink
+ Temperature play: hot wax, ice
+ Financial domination
+ Blindfolding
+ Threesomes
+ Hair pulling
+ Biting
+ Scratching
+ Edge play: sharps
+ Aftercare
These are just some ideas for kinks that may or may not already happen. Google the ones you’re not familiar with.
Now, ask yourself the following 'Kink Kommunication' questions:
Your Yes’s
+ What are the behaviours that you’re enthusiastic about?
+ Which ones could happen without pre-negotiating?
Maybe dirty talk happens naturally and it’s not something you have to discuss every time. Perhaps your partner gives you permission to do things unless otherwise instructed.
Your Maybe’s
+ What are you open to happening but need getting ready for?
+ What are you willing to explore?
These may be the sexual behaviours or dynamics that you haven’t tried, but would like to. It could also be behaviours you aren’t super enthused about, but willing to do.
Your No’s
+ What are you not open to?
+ What is not allowed to happen?
All of our bodies are different, so we need to communicate what doesn’t work for us too. This reduces the risk of someone doing something that you’re not comfortable with.
Thoughts and feelings
Looking at the list of spicy things you want to do, what thoughts and feelings come up?
The reason we might feel uncomfortable communicating kinks is because we’re unsure how others will receive them.
There is usually some judgement, shame or hesitancy around kinks because they aren’t represented or as visible as 'mainstream' sexual behaviours, like penetrative sex, fingering, oral sex, and even kissing.
So while it sucks, it’s okay if you feel shame, embarrassment, or worry. That’s unfortunately quite common. There’s nothing wrong with wanting something juicy to happen.
What I want you to do is:
+ Identify the emotion: What am I feeling?
+ Explore: Why might I be feeling this?
+ Enquire: Where did I learn to associate this feeling with kinks?
+ Challenge: Is this belief one I’m willing to hold onto? How does it serve me? If it doesn’t serve me, can I update it with a belief that does?
Time to communicate
Ask your partner if you can make time to discuss your sexual desires.
You may also say something like: “Hey I came across this article, should we complete the kink questions and discuss it together?”
Communicating your desire needs to happen before a sexual interaction. This allows for all parties involved to communicate consent, and willingness to participate.
With a current sexual partner who I practice BDSM with, we lay out all the toys/whips/ropes and decide together what we’d like to play with.
Remember, it’s not like you want to do everything on your list right now. It’s just about communicating the options, and choosing what you’re both comfortable with.
Be kind and gentle with each other’s feelings. We try not to yuck another’s yum.
I’ll often journal on a sexual interaction, make dot points, and take these notes to my lover to communicate what I noticed came up. This helps me communicate what did, or did not work well.
You might want to read articles, watch YouTube videos, or porn to learn more about certain kinks together too. Sexy study, in other words!
Finally, check in during, and after you’ve practiced something kinky. Aftercare is really essential to this process. Talk about how you each found it, what worked well, and what didn’t.
Aleksandra Trkulja
Certified Sex Therapist & Clinical Counsellor
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