I recently found myself back in the dating game, post long-term relationship. 

And while scrolling through Hinge profiles - in between voice memos and candid photos of people with their dogs - I lost count of the number of times I saw the words: ‘non-monogamous’ or ‘in an open relationship’.  

I later found myself in a ‘situationship’: the person I was seeing was in an open relationship, so we were dating casually.

It was short lived, but at the same time very passionate. And we were inseparable for a week before it came to a crashing and burning end - things were getting too romantic, and primary partner boundaries had been crossed. 

I was happy to take responsibility for (almost) falling in love with someone who was ultimately unavailable, but at the same time the whole experience had left me wondering - what does it actually take to be ‘ethically’ non-monogamous? 

While reflecting on my disastrous fling, I was brought back to the first time I learned what being ‘open’ is. 

I was working in a ‘Feminist’ bookshop called Blue Stockings, in downtown New York City, where I came across a title called The Ethical Slut, by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. At the time of publishing, there was nothing else out there like it and so, back in the present day, I decided to reach out. 

Speaking to Janet - who has personally authored or co-authored eleven books about alternative relationships, and worked as an educator and counsellor since 1997 - I asked why it seemed ethical non-monogamy was the latest dating trend. 

“When I was a young adult, it was still illegal and heavily socially sanctioned to be Poly,” Janet said. “But these days many more people are aware of the possibility of relationships that are not monogamous. 

“Consciously or unconsciously, we are becoming aware that the way we have designed our relationships, until now, is not working very well. The nuclear family is, for the most part, a failed experiment, and that makes us more open to non-monogamy as a viable option.”

Janet went on to explain that as well as it being true that more people are trying out alternative relationships, it is also probably a matter of there being much less stigma surrounding the existing community. Meaning that people who already practice being open or ethically non-monogamous are becoming more visible. 

“Non-monogamy, now, is about where being gay was 30 or 40 years ago," she said.

“But eventually, more of us will try it... and the people around us will see that we're non-monogamous, and that we still mow our lawns and raise polite kids.” 

A lot of the stigma surrounding non-monogamy and polyamory stems from a lack of representation. While I have always believed it harmful to consider monogamy the only healthy or moral way to have a relationship, my lack of understanding of what ‘those types of relationships’ actually looked like left room for plenty of misconceptions. 

I thought being ‘open’ could mean one of two things: 

+ Having a primary partner and being open to casual encounters. 

+ Or being in multiple serious relationships at one time (what I thought to be polyamory). 

But - “It's definitely not a one size fits all,” Janet told me. “There are any number of ways to approach non-monogamy.”

Sex and pleasure educator Euphemia Russell echoed this sentiment, recalling their personal experiences in open relationships: “My past relationships were either generally open, open when apart, open for only sexual encounters or open with friends and ongoing lovers. 

“It depends on lots of things, but I believe that it should be co-created by whoever is involved.” 

Euphemia has been dating within non-monogamous dynamics for years, but originally came to the practice after trying, and failing, to follow a conventional style of dating (by being monogamous) that simply wasn’t for them. 

“The first time I tried to be non-monogamous was hard’, Euphemia said. “I used to think of myself as someone who couldn’t be in a relationship, and felt a lot of shame and guilt about that. But then I realised that the structure just didn't support my desires and identity.

“It's challenging to not fit within the preconceived ideas of relationship and romantic intimacy, and all the misunderstandings that come with that.”

Listening to Euphemia I began to think that what they experienced was probably true for a lot of people. After all, not only does non-monogamy exist in the form of consensual and ethical open relationships - in which everyone involved is aware and has agreed to relating in that way - but it also exists non-consensually in the form of cheating and affairs. 

“I would love to see it represented more,” says artist, photographer and filmmaker Pippa Samaya, who shares a triad relationship with her wife Tara and their long term partner Ivy. 

“I feel like it's actually something that exists a lot, but behind closed doors. The amount of infidelity in marriages is like 60%*, so I think it would help everybody if we accepted that many people don't fit into the monogamous structure. 

“Then we could start learning how to shape other options in a healthy, supported and guided way.”

Societal and social prejudice are obvious challenges for non-monogamous people. Perhaps even more so for those who have children or come from particularly conservative families. But I was curious to hear from Pippa about the interpersonal challenges they might have faced in their triad relationship. 

“The biggest challenge is definitely trusting that when your partner is experiencing love by someone else, it doesn't mean that they love you any less. But it goes against all of the conditioning that we have in society and it's really tough to rewire.”

“The moment that trust is broken (or challenged) it's much easier for feelings like jealousy, comparison and possessiveness to appear, all of which exist in a lot of ‘normal’, monogamous relationships too. They're just so much more available when you're dealing with multiple partners.”

Particularly at the beginning of their relationship, Pippa said it was hard to really let Ivy in. But eventually, letting go of any sort of hierarchy allowed them to cultivate a more balanced dynamic. 

“It started off with us as primary partners and Ivy was a kind of ‘add on’. But we had to let down those walls for our partnership to really flourish. 

“We all live together now. We share one bed and rotate every night, to keep it fair.

“Stepping away from that notion of one primary relationship helped us find an equal, supported wholesome flow where no one is above anyone else.”

I asked Pippa if there are particular lessons from her own experiences that she might be able to offer as starting advice for people looking to explore ethical non-monogamy for the first time. 

“Emotional intelligence and maturity is absolutely essential”, she said. “Otherwise, people are going to get hurt. And a lot of people do get hurt.” 

“So I would just be looking inwards. The surprising thing that comes with polyamorous setups is that when there are more partners, people think: that means less of me. But actually, in order to stay grounded while dealing with multiple relations in your life, you need to have a stronger relationship with yourself. That needs to be the foundation.”

Going back to Janet and some key observations from her many years of work surrounding alternative relationships, she emphasised that good communication is paramount, as well as being conscious of the impulse to blame others when it comes to experiencing difficult emotions. 

“If there's something going on that you feel like you can't talk about, that's probably a warning sign,” Janet cautions. 

“In the book, we have a whole chapter on embracing conflict that describes a lot of ways to keep things constructive and courteous. Flying into an adrenalised state where you're being irrational and needing to have the last word is no way to solve a problem.”

“There will always be someone who wants to move faster and someone who wants to move slower; you want to get to a place where the person who wants to go slower is feeling slightly, but tolerably, stretched and the person who wants to go faster is feeling a little held back. If everybody's a little bit unhappy, it's probably a really good sign.”

“‘And the other thing I would say is, you’re bound to fuck up, everybody does, and all you can do it be prepared for it when it happens.”

Reflecting on everything we discussed, I was satisfied with the context I now had for the emotions I’d felt in my brief stint in the world of alternative dating. 

I could safely say that it had been less of another self-inflicted romantic catastrophe, and more of a bump in the road toward understanding a new way of approaching love. 

Whether that means I will be abandoning monogamy entirely and diving head first into the unknown - I’m not so sure. 

But I do believe that the tools, lessons and principles shared would be of benefit to any kind of relationship, monogamous or not.

"Up to 60% of all spouses will take part in some form of infidelity at least once during their marriage."

https://healthresearchfunding.org/26-surprising-statistics-cheating-spouses/


"Most estimates indicate that around 60% of men and 45% of women are willing to report that an affair has occurred sometime in their marriage and it suggests that 70% of all marriages experience an affair."

https://www.sexualhealthaustralia.com.au/extramarital-affairs-infidelity.html

When Sabina McKenna stumbled into a short-lived, yet passion-filled open relationship, the experience left her fascinated by the rules, boundaries and prejudices of being 'ethically' non-monogamous.

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Our best-selling &amp; beloved oat milk foundation features star natural ingredients such as oat milk, peach &amp; vitamin E to help nourish your skin throughout the day. This foundation is for a fresh, dewy finish that melts effortlessly into your skin. This foundation is buildable, lightweight and free from impurities so your skin is still able to breathe. No cakey faces here!
 Available in 8 shades designed to suit a wide range of skin tones. While our shades may look minimal, they are all extremely versatile! Each shade suits a multitude of skin tones and subtle variations.
 HOW TO USE START
 1. To a cleansed face, use a primer and gently rub into skin. Allow to dry. 2. Put a pea-sized amount of oat milk foundation onto your hand. 3. Dot the foundation onto face with a multipurpose brush on cheeks, forehead, chin and along the nose. 4. Alternatively, warm the formula with the tips of your fingers and press into your skin for that flawless finish. 5. Blend in with circle movements for an even coverage over the whole face to create a natural base.
 HOW TO USE END
 INGREDIENTS START
 Aqua, coco-caprylate/caprate, glycerin, polyglyceryl-6 polyricinolate, avena sativa (oat) kernel extract, prunus persica (peach) fruit extract, tocopheryl acetate (vitamin E), biosaccharide gum-1, sodium anisate, sodium levulinate, magnesium sulfate, sodium salicylate, ethylhexylglycerin, citric acid, glyceryl caprylate, polyhydroxystearic acid, potassium sorbate. May contain +/- iron oxides, CI77891.
 INGREDIENTS END
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 Ere Perez celebrate ‘the beauty you are born with’. A divine partnership of values, youtime embrace the clean beauty brand’s ethos that: ‘Natural beauty is about how you live your life, how you connect with the world and how you nourish your body — inside and out.’ Ere Perez’s innovative make up and skincare use minimal ingredients, harnessing the unique power of superfood ingredients, nutrient rich plants and botanicals, selected for their skin-revitalising properties.
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What Does it Take to be ‘Ethically’ Non-Monogamous?

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Sabina McKenna is an Australian writer and curator. She is the creator of The Where Are You From? project, a photojournalistic series about cultural identity. 

Sabina writes predominantly in interview style and has been featured locally and internationally in publications that include Art Almanac, Broadsheet, Fashion Journal Magazine, Archer, Acclaim, i-D, G-IRL (London), Ladies of Leisure, Catalogue Magazine, and Hopes and Fears (NYC). 

Her diverse creative portfolio explores themes of identity and belonging, and she is involved in a range of creative initiatives and institutions, which has included Future Girl Corp, Be. Collective Culture, Frieze Art Fair in New York and The National Gallery of Victoria. Where are you from? has achieved local and international acclaim, with features in press publications that include The Age, The Sydney Morning Herald, Frankie Magazine, iD UK, Fashion Journal Magazine, Acclaim Magazine, ArtsHub, Zee Feed, Vice, Broadsheet, ABC Life, ABC Radio, Triple R and FBI Radio Sydney.

Olfactive facet 701 is a dry, deep original fragrance created around leather and vetiver.
 This elegant composition captures the essence of sensual leather, giving it new dimensions with aspects of vetiver, warm musk and patchouli.
 OLFACTIVE FAMILY: Oriental 
 TOP: Leather, cedarwood, patchouli HEART: Moss, vanilla BASE: Musk, vetiver
 Investing in a new fragrance is a commitment. N.C.P and youtime send you a 1ml sample with every 50ml perfume so that you can test the new scent on your skin before opening your full size purchase. If it’s not for you, you can return the unopened perfume. 
 INGREDIENTS START
 Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Coumarin INGREDIENTS END
 EDITORS NOTES START
 Youtime is the exclusive distributor of Swedish award-winning N.C.P fragrance and skincare in Australia.
 N.C.P Olfactives fragrances are designed for self expression. Signature standalone scents that can be layered beautifully in any combination, to create a perfume that is uniquely you. 
 Who are you today? Play by combining new notes, layering and tweaking your signature scent based on your mood, the moment, the season.
 The numbers 1-7 stand for all Olfactory Families. When worn alone a fragrance can be woody, fresh, crisp, deep, warm or floral. When layered, it can transform into a completely new experience.
 N.C.P have worked with the world’s most prestigious perfume house in Paris to develop sophisticated fragrances that appeal to all genders, ages and ethnicities, and are amenable to tweaking and combing to make it your own.
 EDITORS NOTES END

Leather & Vetiver Eau De Parfum 50ml

A daily beauty powder for radiant skin and gut health. Designed to boost collagen production and support healthy hair and nails with over 18 Certified Organic superfoods, vitamin C and zinc, this berry-flavoured probiotic supplement promotes resilient, luminous skin—from the inside out.
 Supercharged using our unique Flora Culture™ fermentation process, antioxidant-rich wholefoods like maqui berries, dunaliella salina and queen garnet plum support healthy skin for a gorgeous, glowing complexion.
 Designed for optimal bioavailability, GLOW contains a natural broad-spectrum probiotic and prebiotics to feed the beneficial bacteria in your gut—because a healthy microbiome is the secret to radiant skin.
 In a consumer trial, subjects said GLOW enhanced their luminosity, clarity, hydration and skin texture, as well as easing symptoms of pre-existing skin conditions like eczema, rosacea and congestion after a month’s use. 
 HOW TO USE START
 Mix 1 tsp (5g) in 200mL of water, a smoothie or your favourite drink. For optimal results, GLOW Inner Beauty Essential should be consumed daily in chilled or room temperature beverages and can be taken with any other Beauty Chef product. 
 Inner Beauty Essentials are designed to be amplified with a Boost—COLLAGEN, HYDRATION, ANTIOXIDANT or OMEGA ELIXIR™. 
 Storage: Refrigerate after opening and use within 90 days. Always use a dry spoon. HOW TO USE END
 INGREDIENTS START
 Bio-fermented Nutrient Blend with Flora Culture (brown rice*, lentils*, chickpeas*, maqui berry* (10.3%), mung beans*, linseed*, queen garnet plum (3.8%), buckwheat*, millet*, quinoa*, chia seeds*, pepitas*, sunflower seeds*, lemon juice, sea minerals, turmeric*, green tea*, molasses*, agave*, ginger*), anthocyanins from grape skins, guar galactomannan, wild berry flavour, dunaliella salina* (1.4%), acidity regulator (citric acid), Saccharomyces boulardii (1%), sweetener (stevia leaf extract), zinc ascorbate. *Organic Ingredients INGREDIENTS END
 EDITORS NOTES START
 We believe a great skincare ritual is more than skin deep.
 Every product in the youtime curation uses the best ingredients, in scientifically proven formulations. But - no topical skincare product can fake that glow that truly only comes from within.
 No matter how good your cleanser, serum or masque is, beauty does begin in your belly. A healthy gut microbiome has a profound positive impact on your skin (as well as your overall well being).
 The Beauty Chef products are iconic for good reason. From the original and multi-award winning GLOW Inner Beauty Essential powder to the COLLAGEN Inner Beauty Boost drink, these skin-loving supercharged formulas are non-negotiables in our morning routines.
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Glow Inner Beauty Essential Supercharged 150g

Seven Facets is designed to offer the user the ultimate collection for N.C.P. fragrance layering.
 Containing their seven launch fragrances, covering all of the olfactive families in one unique collection box. 
 Each facet can be used alone or freely layered together to create your own signature fragrance.
 The set includes a 10 ml perfume of each scent:
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-101-clementine-violet-flower-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank" data-mce-href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-101-clementine-violet-flower-eau-de-parfum-50ml">Olfactive Facet 101: Clementine &amp; Violet flower</a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-201-apple-driftwood-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank" data-mce-href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-201-apple-driftwood-eau-de-parfum-50ml">Olfactive facet 201: Apple &amp; Driftwood</a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-301-jasmine-sandalwood-eau-de-parfum-50ml" data-mce-href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-301-jasmine-sandalwood-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank">Olfactive facet 301: Jasmine &amp; Sandalwood </a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-401-lavender-juniper-eau-de-parfum-50ml" data-mce-href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-401-lavender-juniper-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank">Olfactive facet 401: Lavender &amp; Juniper</a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-501-iris-vanilla-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank">Olfactive facet 501: Iris &amp; Vanilla </a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-601-amber-gaiacwood-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank">Olfactive facet 601: Amber &amp; Gaiacwood</a>
 <a href="https://youtime-chi.vercel.app/product/ncp-olfactives-facet-701-leather-vetiver-eau-de-parfum-50ml" target="_blank">Olfactive facet 701: Leather &amp; Vetiver</a>
 INGREDIENTS START
 Olfactive Facet 101: Clementine &amp; Violet flower
 Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Limonene, Linalool, Hydroxycitronellal, Citral, Geraniol, Coumarin
 Olfactive facet 201: Apple &amp; Driftwood
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Limonene, Linalool, Butylphenyl Methylpropional, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Hydroxycitronellal, Hexyl Cinnamal, Citronellol, Citral, Geraniol, Evernia Prunastri Extract, Benzyl Benzoate
 Olfactive facet 301: Jasmine &amp; Sandalwood 
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Benzyl Salicylate, Hydroxycitronellal, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Limonene, Citronellol, Hexyl Cinnamal, Linalool, Geraniol, Citral, Benzyl Alcohol
 Olfactive facet 401: Lavender &amp; Juniper
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Limonene, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Linalool, Coumarin, Benzyl Benzoate, Citral, Citronellol, Hexyl Cinnamal, Hydroxycitronellal, Geraniol
 Olfactive facet 501: Iris &amp; Vanilla 
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Benzyl Salicylate, Linalool, Alpha-Isomethyl Ionone, Limonene, Coumarin, Citronellol, Citral, Geraniol
 Olfactive facet 601: Amber &amp; Gaiacwood
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Farnesol, Benzyl Benzoate
 Olfactive facet 701: Leather &amp; Vetiver
 <meta charset="utf-8"> Alcohol Denat., Aqua (Water), Parfum (Fragrance), Butyl Methoxydibenzoylmethane (Avobenzone), Ethylhexyl Methoxycinnamate (Octinoxate), Ethylhexyl Salicylate (Octisalate), Coumarin
 INGREDIENTS END
 EDITORS NOTES START
 Youtime is the exclusive distributor of Swedish award-winning N.C.P fragrance and skincare in Australia.
 N.C.P Olfactives fragrances are designed for self expression. Signature standalone scents that can be layered beautifully in any combination, to create a perfume that is uniquely you.
 Who are you today? Play by combining new notes, layering and tweaking your signature scent based on your mood, the moment, the season.
 The numbers 1-7 stand for all Olfactory Families. When worn alone a fragrance can be woody, fresh, crisp, deep, warm or floral. When layered, it can transform into a completely new experience.
 N.C.P have worked with the world’s most prestigious perfume house in Paris to develop sophisticated fragrances that appeal to all genders, ages and ethnicities, and are amenable to tweaking and combing to make it your own.
 EDITORS NOTES END

Seven Facet Collection Box (7x 10ml)

Writer & Curator

Yoga Facilitator

Ritual Incense Wood Kit - Ground + Calm

Sleep Essential Oil Roll On 10ml

Stress Essential Oil Roll On 10ml

Sculpt in style. At 3 pounds each (1.36kg), Bala Bars are designed for strength and versatility. From curls to rows, presses and flies. You won’t want to put them down.
 Unlike traditional dumbbells, Bala Bars have an even weight distribution and ergonomic design that make for a balanced, user-friendly workout.
 <meta charset="utf-8">Each set includes two bars and a black mesh carry case.
 MATERIAL START
 Bala Bangles are made of the highest quality fitness materials – recycled stainless steel wrapped in baby-soft silicone.
 MATERIAL END
 EDITORS NOTES START
 Fitness accessories can be functional and beautiful. Bala was founded on the belief that ‘design alone can inspire movement.’
 For those who wish to sculpt their body but find dumbbells intimidating or uncomfortable, Bala bars are a stylish, ergonomic and elevated addition to your workout routine.
 EDITORS NOTES END

Weighted Bars - 3Lb Sand

Sculpt in style. At 3 pounds each (1.36kg), Bala Bars are designed for strength and versatility. From curls to rows, presses and flies. You won’t want to put them down.
 Unlike traditional dumbbells, Bala Bars have an even weight distribution and ergonomic design that make for a balanced, user-friendly workout.
 Each set includes two bars and a black mesh carry case.
 MATERIAL START
 Bala Bangles are made of the highest quality fitness materials – recycled stainless steel wrapped in baby-soft silicone.
 MATERIAL END
 EDITORS NOTES START
 Fitness accessories can be functional and beautiful. Bala was founded on the belief that ‘design alone can inspire movement.’
 For those who wish to sculpt their body but find dumbbells intimidating or uncomfortable, Bala bars are a stylish, ergonomic and elevated addition to your workout routine.
 EDITORS NOTES END

Sabina McKenna is an Australian writer and curator. She is the creator of The Where Are You From? project, a photojournalistic series about cultural identity.

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What Does it Take to be ‘Ethically’ Non-Monogamous?

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